The drama started at bedtime. Bedtime is never smooth…you can read more about that here. But, this was new drama.
“Why do you have to go to work? Pinky promise you will stay home with me,”Adi cried over and over. “You always leave.”
Before this school year, I was always the one to drop my girls off at my mom’s house where they would go before my dad brought them to school. This year, since my husband is working from home, the routine has shifted. The girls now stay home and Arnauld brings them to school or my mom’s house, depending on the wonky school schedule.
This week, the girls’ school is closed after a spike in positive Covid cases. Out of caution, we’ve just had everyone stay home. I don’t know how Arnauld manages his busy accountant work with the noise and raucous that comes with having three little girls at home all day. But, somehow it is working and I’m so grateful.
But, the shifts in routines are hard on the kids. They just want to go to school.
So, Sunday night at bedtime, Adi was beside herself because I would be “leaving her” once again for work.
“Can’t you JUST be a mom?” she asked. “When I grow up, I’m JUST going to be a mom. We can have the same job,” she added.
I reassured her that I always come back. We made plans for afterschool bracelet making together. I read her three books. She finally settled down and fell asleep, exhausted.
But, as soon as she woke up the next morning I heard her calling out for me. “Mom. Did you leave? You pinky promised you wouldn’t leave.”
She appeared in her one piece goat pajamas, tears already streaming down her face.
Running late, I hugged her and reminded her of our after school plans. I tried not to feed into the drama. I know it makes it worse. I know she is always fine…even better, once I leave. I shut the door behind me, wishing it was as easy as “JUST being a mom.”
I turned back to see Adi’s sad face in the window, chest rising and falling with sobs, as she watched me go.
I blew her a kiss as my heart puddled right there on the driveway.
Where There Is Joy 
“Just be a Mom” — that’s a loaded line that someday, she’ll understand! This slice is the reality of motherhood. As I said this morning, I think there’s an image of Megan in the same fit standing in our bay window. And then there were the mornings when there was a fight between the girls and I had to leave — good times I say! You are strong and you are a great mom! You are balancing so much and always with a kind heart! That is what you will pass on to them!
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Oh, man. This. is. tough. You are right – of course you are – and I know for myself that teaching is so integral to my identity that I would be a less good mother if I didn’t do it, but I remember the days of children begging me to stay. Of course, I was dropping them at daycare; leaving her at home must be even harder. Still, one day she will understand that you are a better mom because you are your full self. Nevertheless, I’m sending hugs your way. So so tough.
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I think we all struggle as moms and educators with that dilemma, our knowledge of the importance of home ‘work’ making it stronger. I like to think that I was setting an example of civic work, the importance of education, women’s work, etc. Some days though, I just wanted to stay my yoga pants and bake some cookies while laundry tumbled in the dryer in that perfect world that doesn’t really ever exist.
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You are an amazing momma and don’t forget it! The momlife is sooooo hard and your slice beautifully captured the struggle. Oh did it capture ALL the feels! Thank you for sharing this very human post. I can relate on so many levels.
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This mom business can be so hard. Can’t you just be a mom? What a line! What does it mean to just be a mom? You are lucky to have kids who love you so much and don’t want you to leave. You are lucky to have a husband who can work from home and be with the kids. You are lucky to have work that is so meaningful. Your kids are so lucky that you are the kind of mom you are. I wasn’t always thankful that my mom had a career and worked in New York City (and at a time when most of my friends’ moms were home), but as I grew up I realized the powerful model she set for me. Your girls will have that same role model in you.
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Oh, Adi. She loves her mom so! I still feel lucky that my kids want me home even at their ages and I still find it hard to leave them at times. I don’t know if that will ever change. It’s funny but mine say when they are with friends, “Can you just be a mom and not a principal or even teacher!”
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Ugh…I don’t know how you made it to work after that line from Adi! You’re AMAZING!
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Thank you for the second photo …. my heart needed it! It is tough — you reminded me of a few stories from when my kids were young. Maybe I will try to slice one of them this month. Hang in there – one of the things i love about Slice of Life is that it always reminds me I am in good company!
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Being a Mom to Adi (I’m a Dad), a Mom to her sisters, a teacher, a story reader, a cook, a house cleaner, a bracelet maker, a driver, a confident, a healer, a birthday party organizer… I won’t continue this list because there is no end to it. Adi is such a lucky little girl and she will soon enough know it.
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So much guilt and pride mixed together to be a mom that does work that helps to make the world a better place and can also be very hard for our own kids. Thanks for this.
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So heart wrenching, you describe the emotions on both sides so well and the knowledge that nothing can be done about it. I guess it is the changes in routine that is the killer, kids love the routine to stay the same and the pandemic has put paid to that. Hopefully you get through to sunnier times soon!
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