Let me begin by saying, I can orchestrate a whole school read aloud and an entire school writing in one room simultaneously. I can attend six different grade levels in a given day and lead curriculum conversations on reading, writing, and phonics. I can even actively engage eleven first graders for two and a half hours of virtual learning daily. But when it comes to bedtime with my three daughters (ages 8,6, and 3), I fail regularly.
It probably doesn’t help that presently, the three of them are sharing a room. This happened because during quarantine in the spring, two thirds of my daughters required me (and it had to be me) to lay with them until they fell asleep. If I was with my youngest, my middle daughter wailed and carried on until we were all in a frenzy. No one was falling asleep in any sort of organized way- we all eventually just gave in from exhaustion. So, we bought a trundle bed so everyone could be together.
The trundle bed helped for a while. It was certainly easier to be in the same room at the same time with the girls. Falling asleep went from about three hours to two. Someone always wound someone else up. Adi, my middle daughter has always had trouble settling down at night. It never fails that when the other two, Rose and Wren, are nearly asleep, she breaks out into song and or dance. Or, she starts the night out with her shenanigans and encourages her sisters to join in. “Do I really need to stay for this?” I’d ask. “You can sing and dance and I can be downstairs. You don’t need me here.” But they insisted they did.
“There are spiders.”
“I’m afraid of the dark.”
“I need you.”
Most recently, Adi has decided that she can’t fall asleep with any noise. So, if her sisters so much as breathe a little too loud, she let’s them know how she can’t handle them. It’s as if she is saying, “Don’t you breathe, but listen to me belt out my favorite tunes for hours.”
There have been yelling matches. Fighting and tears…from all of us.
So, we’ve gone back to the drawing board. Now, I have been bringing Adi up to bed on her own. She needs the most time to settle down and there was the issue of her sisters breathing. When I’m sure she is really asleep, I text my husband to send the other two girls up. Rose often can’t hang and falls asleep on the couch, so she gets carried to bed.
And, once they’re asleep, there is no guarantee that they will stay asleep. About four to five times per week, someone wakes up for one reason or other.
“The wind is scary.”
“Wren is breathing too noisy.”
“I need you.”
And back up to the trundle bed with Rose I go.
I know I’m likely the problem. When I’m not home at bedtime or when the girls sleep at my parents house, they go to bed solo with no issues at all.
Perhaps, I should go on vacation while they all work their sleeping issues out.
Where There Is Joy 
Oh my goodness, I feel your bedtime pain. I only have 2, but they both have a hard time shutting their brains off. I love your repetition of “I need you” because when it comes down to it…I know I can’t say no to being needed! Good luck.
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I’m laying down on my 7-year-old’s trundle bed as I read this, so at least you’re not alone! I just keep telling myself I’ll miss this when she’s older…I might be lying to myself, but at least it makes the bedtime routine a little less painful right now!
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Your descriptions of bedtime put me in a time capsule and forced me to travel back to the 1980s when we dealt w/ the same “can’t fall asleep w/out a parent in bed” situation as you’re dealing with. My husband is the one who generally stayed w/ our boys. Those nights were not fun. I hope you find a good solution so you can rest and find peace.
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The competency we feel at work compared to the incompetency that happens at home! I SO get it! But I also will tell you, and you know this, that they won’t want you cuddling them in their college dorms (or they won’t admit it) and when they come for cuddles in high school, you’ll slice about that!
The love in your house always comes through, Jess. That’s why your posts are some of my favorites to read. The details and snippets of conversations just snuggle in so much love.
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This is such a kind comment. Thank you. It doesn’t always feel like love… and I know it won’t last. I try to find the joy in it. Some days are easier than others.
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I so connect with this. I shared a room with my two sisters and although I was the oldest, I went to bed the earliest, so I might fall asleep better. I can picture your girls all in the trundle and Adi being sassy! I am the mom whose son slept in her bed for probably far too long but he doesn’t now. Someday they won’t and it is a little sad.
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Now I see how you are able to post at midnight!! I only sort of mis those bedtimes, though I think two was a lot easier than three. At least it led to a slice that many readers can feel. I started Sun Does Shine yesterday, and had the same reaction as you…I had to talk (rant) about it to everyone. What a remarkable…and tragic…and inspiring story. I’m listening to it, so it will be slow progress. Thanks for that recommendation.
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I just finished on Monday. It really rocked me. I just downloaded Punching the Air. Have you read it? It was Fairfield’s One Book. I caught the tail end of the culminating talk last night and felt like this was a good follow up to The Sun Does Shine. I’ll let you know.
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I have not read it. Bad Fairfielder, I didn’t even know it was our book.
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The last line is THE BEST! Reading this made me laugh out loud although I can feel the “pain” that is bedtime! Stay strong and you and the girls will get through!
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This is so funny and at the same time my heart goes out to all of you. You are not alone with the sleep issues. Putting kids to bed is always a challenge, but these days I KNOW all of our anxieties ( and spiders ) come out when we try to go to sleep. You are not the problem. You are a loving solution.
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This story sounds so familiar. I have 2 – ages 5 and 7 and have tried so many silly things at bedtime (latest is even/odd nights with mom/dad and then I lose track of that!) I also ponder how I can run two second grade classrooms in our cohort, manage high maintenance parents and adapt to the daily nonsenses at school, then feel like I fail at home with my own children. You sound like such a loving teacher and mother. I’ll be tuning into the joy tonight at bedtime. Thanks for the reminder!
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“and there was the issue of her sisters breathing” – that’s where I burst out laughing. I have one good sleeper & one *terrible* sleeper. They’re 10 & 12 and a good bedtime routine still takes at least an hour and a half. The good news is that a fair amount of that is read aloud & we all love that. The bad news is that Mr 10 thinks that after the snuggly read aloud he should get himself (and sometimes his brother) all riled up again. SIGH. Still, It’s better than it was & I swear to you that it will get better for you, too, even if you feel like a failure now. As my mother told me, “eventually, they sleep.”
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I am always so grateful for your candor.
The contrasts between our professional and home lives can be astounding (to us) even if they are more commonplace than many would dare believe. You/we are in good company.
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This brings me right back to when my own girls were little! Having to cuddle for a bit, the back and forth, the long, drawn out process. I love the part about the breathing being too loud!
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Hayden is 13 and we still have sleeping issues – I feel your pain. I made the mistake when she was little to let her sleep in my bed and, well she still begs every single night. We also made some quarantine bedtime concessions – like setting up an entire queen sized air mattress in our room for the two weeks of flattening the curve! Good luck with it … my guess, you are doing amazing! Miss seeing you in person :).
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I was so happy to stumble on you here! Miss you too! ❤️
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Oh my goodness, it is so hard, but there has to be a way that you can get them to go to sleep on their own, especially as they do it without you…I do hope you can find the solution soon, there is nothing more tiring than when your kids don’t sleep!
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