“Come on, Nolan!” the two parents dressed as aircraft marshals, complete with reflective vests and hand lights, called to their one-year-old son, making his way down the middle of the street wearing an extensive airplane costume. Without thinking, I reached my hand out to Nolan, never expecting him to take it.
He did.
“I want to hold your hand too,” a two-year-old Belle said as she tottled over in her shiny shoes and full yellow skirt.
And there I was, back in my comfort zone of being needed. My own kids were barreling ahead, racing from one house to another, more interested in being with their friends and collecting their Halloween loot.
In that one tiny Halloween moment, I felt at peace. Looking back, life with toddlers felt easier. Easier to hold them close, keep them safe. I miss being the center of their world, able to sway them with an extra hug or the promise of a walk around the block together.
I know I’ve written this before, but I’m still finding my identity as a mom of older kids. Escorting the airplane and Belle down our street, among the hustle and bustle of Halloween, I was able to go back, even for just a moment.
Where There Is Joy 
Parenting is a constant evolution of not just them, but us. You gotta just take each day for what it brings just like you took Nolan and Belles hands. Your girls (and Nolan and Belle) are lucky to have you.
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I’m always struck by how it’s possible to love having older children so much (mine are much older than yours!) and simultaneously miss being with their younger selves. Something about holding a small hand in yours captures it all. I’m glad you had this moment to enjoy.
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You raise a great point of the continuity of finding ourselves as parents – – our roles are constantly shifting, but those memories of little ones never fades.
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I love how your comparison of earlier Halloweens brings you comfort. Parenting is scary but those memories when we did it OK, keep us going. Hold on to it all. You got this!!
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I think Halloween brings up lots of memories for parents. I remember very little about trick or treating as a child, but I have so many memories of taking my two around the neighborhood. (They are 27 and 24 (years!) this month!)
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I’m in a similar place. It’s hard to know how much to guide and how much to hold back as they get older.
Isabelle had a friend trick-or-treat with us this year. I thought they’d be annoyed since I wanted to tag along. I hung back, but SHOCKINGLY, they talked to me. I’ll be honest, that felt good. I doubt that will happen next year.
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What a great moment to capture – that feeling of peace that comes from knowing your role juxtaposed against the uncertainty of a changing life. I’m glad that you are able to find joy in both parts of that parenting dilemma. And those costumes are amazing!
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Jessica,
Your children are adorable. And they’re not that big! They will always need you. It’s just that those needs change and shift, and they won’t always be willing to say how much they need you. Trust me. They do. My oldest son is 39, and even he still needs his mama. He knows it more now than he did thirty years ago.
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It was so great to read this perspective – my own trick or treat night was spent carrying around a 3 year old experiencing some very big feelings and refusing to walk. I needed this reminder that even though there are tough moments, that feeling of being the absolute center of someone else’s universe and their own personal superhero is fleeting.
I appreciate that your essay packed so much perspective and reflection into such a small moment. Powerful and poignant stuff!
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I really relate to the problem of trying to find your identity as a mother of older daughters. I’m still working on it.
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What a flood gate of memories from your story…my grand kids are now teenagers. But when I had the opportunity to babysit a friend’s 2 year old for a few hours last week, my heart leaped for joy. My first vision was holding her hand while we went for a walk on the sidewalk. Thank you! 🙂
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